Short Clean Father Son Jokes: Dad- How Do You Like...

- Joe: What does your father do for a living?
Jon: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.
Joe: Do you have any brothers or sisters?  
Jon: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.



- Father: Why did you get such a low score in that exam
Son: Absence!
Father: You were absent on the day of the exam?
Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!



- Dad: How do you like fourth grade?
Son: It isn’t much fun.
Dad: That’s too bad. It was the best three years of my life!


- Jacob: I have a lot of my dad’s genes.
Dave: Really? I bet they don’t fit.

College Party Joke: Things Learned From College Only

The following are only learned from college:

•  Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.
•  Quarters are like gold.
•  Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.
•  Showers become less important.
•  Sleep becomes more important.  
•  10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class.
•  Any game can be made into a drinking game.
• ATMs are the devil's advocate.
• You'll drink anything if it's free..
• Your parents start to tell you stories about their college days.  

 
 

 

Funny Children Jokes: Father & Son Went To Zoo..

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression.

Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ..."

"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.

"What bus should I take home?" the boy finished. 

Office Party Joke: Excuses, If Caught Sleeping At Desk

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...

- "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

- "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

- "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

- "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

- "The coffee machine is broken...."

Funny Party Jokes: What Did SnowMan Say To Other..

- Q: What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
A: "Do you smell carrots?"
  

- Yes, this is a woman's world. 
When a person is born, the first question people ask is:  How is the mother? 
When he marries, people say, what a lovely bride!  
And when he dies, they ask, How much did he leave her?
 

- A guy is going ice fishing (it is the winter in Minnesota) and he walks out onto the ice and begins drilling a hole. 
A loud voice - the voice of God - sounds around him. "There are no fish here!"
"Hm," the man thinks, and picks up his things to move to another place on the ice. 
 As he begins drilling his second hole, again he hears, "There are no fish here!"
 "Must be my lucky day," he thinks. "Someone's looking out for me." 
And he moves again. 
As he begins drilling his third hole, the voice rings out, "This is the rink attendant! There are NO FISH HERE!" 
 

 Marketing At A Party
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!” That’s Direct Marketing.
- You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, “He’s very rich. Marry him.” That’s Advertising.
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.” That’s Telemarketing.
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I’m rich. Marry me” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That’s Customer Feedback.
  

- Q.Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party? 
  A. He had no body to go with!

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15 Most Funny New Year's Resolutions & Status 2014

- I will actually laugh out loud when I type “LOL” to the person I am messaging with.


- Only get divorced and remarried once this year.



- I will try to drive closer to the speed limit.

 
- Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.



- I resolve to stop poisoning my family with my cooking.

 
- I will really work from home on my “work from home” days.


- Stop setting three alarms on my phone, just so I can turn the volume off after the first one.

 
- I will not wet the bed and blame it on my younger brother.

   
- I promise to be nice to my dog. I won't starve him to death more than 10 times.... in a month.



- I will not sit at the computer all the time. I will try to stand while I type for at least thirty minutes a day.

 

- Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes.

 
- I will stop hitting the “like” button just because I like the person who posted but not what they wrote.

 
- I will use my treadmill for something other than a place to hang my jacket.

 
- Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.


- Learn what the hell "resolution" means.

Drunk Man To His Wife Joke: "It's Started"

 A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it
starts.”
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”

The wife is furious. She yells at him,
“Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore . . .”
The man sighs and says, “It’s started.”