Office Jokes: Got A New Secretary In Office

Two colleagues were discussing the new secretary at their office. Matt to Greg: “Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had a lot of fun that night. She’s a lot better than my wife!”

One week later. Greg to Matt: “Well, I dated her too and we had an awesome night as well, but I still think your wife is better than her!

First Day On A New Job: Whats App Office Jokes

A  blond joins a new office-

At the very first day, she was working late in front of her computer. Boss was very impressed  & asked,

"You are very hard working. What were you doing since whole day?"

Blond replied, ""From where did you got these Keyboards? They were not in order, so I was arranging them.

Office Work Jokes: What If Employee Makes Mistake...

• If a barber makes a mistake, It's a New Style
• If a driver makes a mistake, It is a New path
• If an engineer makes a mistake, It is a New Venture
• If parents makes a mistake, It is a New Generation
• If a politician makes a mistake, It is a New Law
• If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a New Invention
• If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a New Fashion
• If a teacher makes a mistake, It is a New Theory
• If our boss makes a mistake, It is a New idea
• If an employee makes a mistake, It is a Mistake Only

 
 
 

Office Party Joke: Excuses, If Caught Sleeping At Desk

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...

- "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

- "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

- "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

- "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

- "The coffee machine is broken...."

WhatsApp Office Joke: How Not To Get Hired In A Job Interview

Going in for a job interview? 
Don’t mess it up with questions like these from real candidates: 

“Can my husband finish the test for me?”

“Would you consider going on a date with me?”

“Can I place my desk near the cafeteria?”

“Do I have to be at work every day?” 

"Can I get salary in advance?"

 

Funny Occupation WhatsApp Office Jokes

What happens when people of different occupations get old

- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?" - See more at: http://time4joke.com/Joke.aspx?JokeID=10680&CatID=Job/OfficeJokes#sthash.bJaG4xJD.dpuf

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?" - See more at: http://time4joke.com/Joke.aspx?JokeID=10680&CatID=Job/OfficeJokes#sthash.bJaG4xJD.dpuf

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour? - See more at: http://time4joke.com/Joke.aspx?JokeID=10680&CatID=Job/OfficeJokes#sthash.bJaG4xJD.dpuf

Best Funny Office Humor & Boss Jokes WhatsApp

Funny Office Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer from a renowned university, "And what are your expectations about the salary?"

The candidate said, "At about $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

Mean Boss
The CEO of a large company was walking to the cafeteria along with two of his secretaries. Upon tripping on a bottle, a genie appeared and asked the threesome if they would like to each make a wish.
The first secretary excitedly exclaimed, “I wish I was on a beach in a tropical island!” Immediately her wish was granted.
The next secretary proclaimed, “I wish I was on a tour of France!” Immediately her wish too, was granted.
Being that it was now his turn to make a wish the CEO exclaimed “I want the two of them back in their offices right after lunch!”

Funny Office Humor and Jokes

- Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“We’re short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Ohh boss!,” says Smith “I knew I could count on you! Thanks for saving me” 

- A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

- Boss hangs a poster in Office
“I AM THE BOSS, DO NOT FORGET”
He returns from lunch, finds a slip on his desk.
“Your wife called, she wants her poster back home.”


- Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
“Boss”, he said, ” The pill actually worked!”
“That’s all fine” said the boss, ” But where were you yesterday?”

Office Jokes and Messages

                      

- New HR Policy,

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Leave:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Casual leave:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
 
The HR

Work & Office Humor: It's Friday

Work Place-Office Jokes

It's Friday

          


-Sam walks into his boss’s office. “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to  respectfully ask for a raise.” 
After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.
“By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?” 
Sam- “The electric company, water company, and phone company”.






-The Boss got out of a new BMW Series Car:
Employee: Awesome Boss. That's a really cool car you bought.
Boss: It's just because of the Hard-Work. If you also work Hard, be Punctual, put in more hours of work during the weekends, take fewer holidays...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
 I'll be able to buy an even better car next year. 

Office Jokes- Boss & Employee

-The CEO returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up on Friday.
Everybody, laughed uproariously except on girl.
What's the matter? Grumbled the boss. Haven't you got a sense of humour?
I don't have to laugh, she replied. I'm leaving on Friday.

-A man saw 3 parrots for sale.
He was shocked by abnormally high price

The owner says d 1st parrot can run MS Office. -
Price ten thousand

Other parrot 15 thousand,
A programmer

D last parrot carried a tag of 50 thousand
What does he do?

Owner replies: To b honest he does nothing
But the other 2 parrots call him boss..!