Best Funny Jokes: November 2013

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Funny Crazy People Joke

- After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Harold, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Harold replied. "I hung him up to dry."

- A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvellous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

- Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

Friday, November 29, 2013

Clean Animal Jokes For Kids

- A Cop stops a woman in a car with a rabbit in his car.
Cop-"Hey lady, what are you doing with that rabbit?"
He continued, "Take him to the zoo."

After few days, the same cop sees the same woman with the rabbit again in the front seat, wearing sunglasses.

Cop Said- "I told you to take this rabbit to the zoo!"

Woman replied, "I did. We had such a good time at the zoo. Now we are going to the beach this weekend!"

Where do ants go to eat?
At a restaurant!
Read more at http://www.hellokids.com/c_5481/reading-online/jokes-and-riddles/animal-jokes-for-kids/ant-jokes#CebuCpcGqd8ofJ8D.99

Where do ants go to eat?
At a restaurant!

Where do ants go to eat?
At a restaurant!
Read more at http://www.hellokids.com/c_5481/reading-online/jokes-and-riddles/animal-jokes-for-kids/ant-jokes#CebuCpcGqd8ofJ8D.99

many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Read more at http://www.hellokids.com/c_5481/reading-online/jokes-and-riddles/animal-jokes-for-kids/ant-jokes#CebuCpcGqd8ofJ8D.99

How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Read more at http://www.hellokids.com/c_5481/reading-online/jokes-and-riddles/animal-jokes-for-kids/ant-jokes#CebuCpcGqd8ofJ8D.99

- Customer at a supermarket picks up a bottle of insecticide and asks the salesperson, "Is it good for cockroaches?"
"No," says the salesperson. "It will kill them!"

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Girlfriend Boyfriend Jokes For Whatsapp

- Girlfriend: One of my ancestors was actually a king.
Boyfriend: I never knew you were a desendant of King Kong.

- Boyfriend: How do I play the guitar?
Girlfriend: You should be on TV for your talent.
Boyfriend: Am I so good?
Boyfriend: If you were on TV, I can atleast switch it off.

- Man 1: I want to buy a gift for my girlfriend for her birthday but I don't know what she would like. Give me a suggestion.
Man 2: Does she like you?
Man 1: Yes
Man 2: Then she would like anything.

- When going out for a meal, you will find yourself in a situation like this:
Boyfriend: What do you want to eat?
Girlfriend: Anything!
Boyfriend: Noodles?
Girlfriend: No. I don’t feel like having noodles today.
Boyfriend: How about pasta?
Girlfriend: No! Its too fattening.
Boyfriend: What do you want to eat then?
Girlfriend: Erm… Anything!

- Getting a girlfriend is like ordering food in a restaurant. You ordered your food together with your friend. When you saw what your friend has ordered, you wished you could have that instead.

Husband Wife Jokes on Marriage

- A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably... "My wife missed the bus"

- A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted excitedly, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said, "Just get out."

- Wife 2 Husband: Did u Have any GF before marriage ?
   Husband remains silent ?
   Wife: what is D meaning of silence?
   Husband: Don't be impatient. Wait.. let me count...

- One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”.
The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”.
The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month”.
The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”?
The man said “Well the month is up tonight”.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Funny Office Humor and Jokes

- Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“We’re short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Ohh boss!,” says Smith “I knew I could count on you! Thanks for saving me”

- A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

- Boss hangs a poster in Office
“I AM THE BOSS, DO NOT FORGET”
He returns from lunch, finds a slip on his desk.
“Your wife called, she wants her poster back home.”

- Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
“Boss”, he said, ” The pill actually worked!”
“That’s all fine” said the boss, ” But where were you yesterday?”

Monday, November 25, 2013

Best Jokes Ever

-An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:
"YOU IDIOT -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!"

-A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!

Two Crazies:
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient 1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient 2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 "What are you doing"
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor enquired of Patient 1, "What Patient 2 is doing?" Patient 1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light-bulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient 2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient 1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient 1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

An Overweight Blond- Funny Joke Online

- An overweight blond was put on diet by her doctor.

"Eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. This way you can lose about five pounds."

After weeks, the blond lost 20 pounds.

"That's awesome!" the doctor says. "I am glad that you followed my instructions"

The blond "I thought I was going to die by that third day."

"From hunger?" said the doctor.

"No. From Skipping the rope. As you told to skip a day."

- A blond was walking down the river. She sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

"Hey you!" she shouts, "I want to get to other side"

The second blond looks up the river then shouts back, "Girl you're already on the other side."

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Funny Teacher Student Jokes

Funny Teacher-Student Jokes

- Teacher: What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Student: Fsh.

- Teacher: Where's your text book?

Student: At home.

Teacher: What's it doing there?

Student: Having a better day than I am.

- On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She held up the box and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held up the box and said, "I bet it's some chocolates!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held up the box and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

"What is it?" she said.

"A puppy!"

Funny Sms And WhatsApp Jokes

Funny WhatsApp Jokes and Sms

- An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.
Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says,
"Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it."
"My memory's not all that bad, " says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen, his wife hears pots and pans banging around.
The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks,
"Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

-There were three drunk guys and they got in a car accident.
They go to heaven and plead god for a second chance.
God says, "Alright, but don't step on a duck.
The drunks reply, "Why ducks?"
God repeats, "Just don't step on a duck."
The drunks agree and go back down to earth.
A few weeks go by, and the first steps on a duck. Instantly, he's chained to the ugliest woman in the world.
A month goes by and the second steps on a duck.
The last of them is laughing at the others and is instantly chained to the most beautiful woman in the world.
He says, "God, what did I do for this?"
The girl says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Funny Jokes

3 drunk guys entered a taxi.
The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so
he started the engine & turned it off again.
He told them.... "We have reached".
The 1st guy gave him money &
the 2nd guy said "thank you".
The 3rd guy gave the driver a slap.
The driver was shocked,
thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did.
he asked "whats that for?".
The 3rd guy replied:
"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME..

Office Jokes and Messages

- New HR Policy,

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Leave:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Casual leave:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The HR

Friday, November 22, 2013

Animal Jokes: Rabbit and Blacksmith

Clean Animal Jokes

-Rabbit and Blacksmith:
A Rabbit went to a blacksmith-
Rabbit- Do you have some carrots?
Blacksmith- No.

Next Day-
Rabbit- Do you have some carrots?
Blacksmith- Hey rabbit I work with Iron. Why would I keep carrots? Go home.

Next Day-
Rabbit- You got some carrots?
Blacksmith got angry, took a hammer & all the rabbit's teeth.

Next Day-
Rabbit- Do you have Carrot Juice.......

-Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Work & Office Humor: It's Friday

Work Place-Office Jokes

It's Friday

-Sam walks into his boss’s office. “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”
After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.
“By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?”
Sam- “The electric company, water company, and phone company”.

-The Boss got out of a new BMW Series Car:
Employee: Awesome Boss. That's a really cool car you bought.
Boss: It's just because of the Hard-Work. If you also work Hard, be Punctual, put in more hours of work during the weekends, take fewer holidays...
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.
.
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I'll be able to buy an even better car next year.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Clean WhatsApp Jokes

Funny WhatsApp Joke and SMS

- School teacher sent home a note..:..
"Your son is an obedient & bright student but spends too much time with girls.”
.
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Mother sent a note back:

”Please advise a solution!
Father has the same problem."

- Mom Of The Millennium:
   A Girl Tells her Mom:
   “I Want Some Fresh Air, Can I Go for a Walk?”
   Mom: “Alright, But Ask Ur Fresh Air To Leave You Home By 9 PM”!

- BOY:
    Its just a formality, but I still ask
    “Can I marry your Daughter”
FATHER:
"Who told u its just a formality?"
BOY:
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.
.
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   “The Gynaecologist."

Student Teacher Jokes for Schools

Jokes On Students Teachers

Teacher: How old is your father?
Student: As old as I am.
Teacher: How is it possible?
Student: He became father only after I was born.

Teacher: Name one animal that is found in the desert?
Little John: A camel.
Teacher: Good. Name another animal.
Little John: Another camel.

Teacher: What do you understand by the sentence: "She Is Kidding"?
Student: Simple! She is giving birth.

Teacher: If H20 is water what is H204?

Martha: Drinking, Bathing, Washing & Swimming.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Funny Status, Quotes and Tweets

Funny Status

-If I drink alcohol, I am an alcoholic. But if I drink fanta than . . . . . . I am fantastic!

-A girl jogging in the park helps atleast 5 boys to be fit and in shape.

-You want to come into my life, the door is open. You want to leave my life, the door is open. Just one request; don’t stand in front of the door, you are blocking traffic :)

-Love never dies…only the lover changes. :P

-Just finished deleting some friends on Facebook, if you can read this then you got lucky.

-When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?

-Boys think of girls just ike books; if the cover doesn’t catch their eye, they won’t bother to read what’s inside.

-Every boy wants a good girl to be bad just for him and every girl wants a bad boy to be good just for her. Crazy World

-I don’t need Google. My wife knows everything.

-People who wait 4 hours to reply to a text with “lol” should be shooted :)

-Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.

Office Jokes- Boss & Employee

-The CEO returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up on Friday.
Everybody, laughed uproariously except on girl.
What's the matter? Grumbled the boss. Haven't you got a sense of humour?
I don't have to laugh, she replied. I'm leaving on Friday.

-A man saw 3 parrots for sale.
He was shocked by abnormally high price

The owner says d 1st parrot can run MS Office. -
Price ten thousand

Other parrot 15 thousand,
A programmer

D last parrot carried a tag of 50 thousand
What does he do?

Owner replies: To b honest he does nothing
But the other 2 parrots call him boss..!

Sunday, November 17, 2013

LOL Blonde Jokes for Whatsapp: Lost in the Desert

A blond, a brunette and a redhead were all lost in the desert.
They found a lamp and rubbed it.

A genie appeared and granted one wish for each.

Redhead wished to be back home. She was back home.

Brunette wished to be at home with her mother. She was back home with her mother.

The blonde said, "Ohhhhh, I am so lonely now. I wish to have my friends here."

WhatsApp Funny Girlfriend Boyfriend Jokes

FUNNY GIRLFRIEND BOYFRIEND

BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Boy : I have been waiting for this day
Girl : Do u want me to leave?
Boy : No
Girl : Do u love me?
Boy : Ofcourse
Girl : Will u ever cheat me?
Boy : Never in my life
Girl : Will u ever kiss me?
Boy : Every chance i get
Girl : Will u hit me?
Boy : Are u crazy?
Girl : Can i trust u?
Boy : Yes
Girl : Sweet Heart
AFTER MARRIAGE
Read from bottom to top

-The number of secrets in your phone is directly proportional to the speed that you snatch it back from your GF/BF….

-Girlfriend : Dear .. Whenever you miss me. What do you do ?
Boyfriend : I eat your favorite chocolate
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Boyfriend : What do you do ? Whenever you miss me.
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Girlfriend : I smoke some packets of cigarette :D

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Funny Blonde Jokes- What Does Blonde & Beer Have Common?

Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?

A: Both are empty from the neck up.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?

A: She threw it off a cliff.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Funny Husband Wife Joke: Neck of the family

If Husband is the head of the family,

Then what's wife..

Answer- Neck of the family.

Why??

Think...

Because she can turn the head anywhere.

Quote Of The Day:

Nothing is impossible for Men & Women If..

A Man tries

A Woman Cries

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Kids Jokes: History, Patient-Doctor Fun

- A history joke
    Q. Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
    A. Because there were so many knights!

- Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
    Student: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening!

- Patient To Doctor:
    Patient: Doctor Doctor, I feel like biscuits!
    Doctor: What, you mean those square ones?
    P: Yes!
    D: The ones you put butter on?
    P: Yes!
    D: Oh, You're Crackers!

- Doctor Doctor, My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
   Doctor: Hmmmm. Let's hope nothing develops.

Teacher Student Jokes

Teacher : "Whoever answers my next question, can go home."
Suddenly one boy throws his bag out the window
Teacher : "Who just threw that?"
Boy : "Me! Now I’m going home now."

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

Son- "But why, Mom? I don't want to go to the school."

Mother- "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.?"

Son- "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

Mother- "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

Son- "Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

Mother- "Well, for one, you're 55 years old. And for another, you're the Principal of the School."

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Blonde Jokes Online: Gift to Blond

A man gifted a cell phone to his beautiful blonde Girlfriend, Samantha. He explained to her all of its features.

Samantha was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Samantha went for shopping. Her boyfriend called on her cellphone "Hi Samantha," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Samantha replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand..."

"What's that honey?" asked her Boyfriend.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"